Preserving a Smith 



BY 



REA WOODMAN, M. A. 



ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE, 

FRANKLIN, • OHIO. 



Preserving a Smith 



A Burlesque of Shadows 
In Three Acts 



REA. WOODMAN, 31. A_. 
•i 

Author of "The Sweet Girl Graduates," "Bess Goes to Europe, 
"Galliger," and "The Rescue of Prince Hal." 



Copyright, 1911, by Rea Woodman. 



ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE, 

FKANKIjIN, - OHIO. 



r*r 



T&3 



n 



In conception this little nonsense play is founded on an inci- 
dent in "The Noahs Afloat," an historical romance by the same 
author. As the effect to be obtained is grotesqueness, it is nec- 
essary that the action be melancholy rather than cheerful, the 
dialogue that of nervous rather than confident people, and further, 
that in the second and third acts the action be given entirely by 
the light of candles, said candles being carried by the several 
actors. H. R. W. 



CCID 25322 



THE CHARACTERS OF THE BURLESQUE. 

Admiral Noah, Commander of the Ark. 
Shem, eldest son to the Admiral. 

Ham, second son to the Admiral. 

Japheth, youngest son to the Admiral. 
Mehitable, wife to the Admiral. 
Flossy, wife to Shem. 

Jennie, wife to Ham. 

Matilda, wife to Japheth. 
John Smith, alias "Shiner," an ambitious Gamin. 
Citizens, artizans, loafers, messengers, servants, animals, etc. 



ACT I. A Frank Steal. Monday Afternoon, Feb- 
ruary 3d, the Tear of the Deluge. 

"No, Johnnie Smith, you cannot help, but you are a 
good little boy." 

ACT II. A Still Hunt. The Afternoon of the Twen- 
tieth Day out. 

"You're all ears. Why, don't you rent yourself out 
for your acoustic properties?" 

ACT III. An Easy Capture. The Night of the Same 
Day* 

"We have completed History by this night's work. 



ACT I 

(Monday Afternoon, February 3d, the Year 
of the Deluge. An open place adjoining Noah- 
ton. Citizens and loafers walking about, in- 
specting the Ark. John Smith ubiquitous. A 
broad gangway leads up to the door of the un- 
seen Ark. A workman is pottering around, 
zvhistling and pounding intermittently.) 

First Cit. Well, well, so that's it! (contemplating the 
unseen Ark). Do you think she'll float? 

Second Cit. (gazing critically at the Ark). Oh yes, 
any old tub will float — until it sinks ! 

Third Cit. (shrugging his shoulders). But even a 
tub won't float on land ! It's a monster all right ! 

First Cit. A monster bluff ! There is n't going to be 
any Flood! 

Second Cit. Bluff? ( The workman pounds azvay 
cheerfully.) No man's going to build a shack like that 
(pointing to the Ark) for a bluff! 

First Cit. Hey? 

Second Cit. I say (zvorkman pounds with great en- 
thusiasm) I say no man's going to build a shack like that 
for a bluff. 

Third Cit. Oh, he believes it's going to rain ! It's a 
fad, but the Noahs can afford fads, you know. They 
say this thing cost five million ; the boat alone, to say 
nothing of the live stock. Nobody knows what it'll cost 
to stock it. Of course it's all rank nonsense ; look at the 
clumsy thing ! Looks like a family cheesebox ! 

First Cit. Or a refrigerator car ! 

Third Cit. Well, we've no kick coming. It was n't 
our money. 

First Cit. (aggressively). It was the people's money ! 
Why have n't we a kick coming ? And if there is a Flood 



just to accommodate the Noahs, we'll all drown! Then 
I guess we'll have a kick coming! (The Loafers nod 
agreement.) 

Third Cit. It's given thousands of men steady work, 
and put money into circulation — 

Second Cit. That argument's old as Adam ! 

Third Cit. And it's as good an argument today as 
it was then. I say that the man who can make ten mil- 
lion dollars has a right to spend it as he pleases. 

First Cit. (more aggressively). No man can make ten 
million dollars in one life-time. It's a physical impos- 
sibility. (The Loafers nod emphatic agreement.) 

Third Cit. I don't say he can make it with a hoe or 
a hammer. I say if a man has brains enough to multiply 
his earning capacity a hundred times, he has a moral 
right to do it, — any man has. ( The Second Loafer much 
impressed, but not convinced.) 

First Cit. Oh, if you come down to a matter of 
rights, no man has a moral right to infringe on another 
man's earning capacity. Every time the rich man adds 
a new million to his pile, he makes it one thousand times 
harder for the poor man to earn a living. (The Loafers 
in perfect accord.) 

Third Cit. (zvith a comprehensive wave of his hand). 
But what are you going to do ? You can't keep a brainy 
man down ; he will make money wherever you put him. 
You can't make laws that'll stop a man's mind from 
working overtime. Let's see you ! . Your long-haired 
Socialist stands around and growls about the rich man 
getting richer and the poor man getting poorer, but what 
are you going to do? You can't cut a man's brains out. 
That's murder. (The Second Loafer wags his head 
thoughtfully, in melancholy endorsement.) What are 
you going to do? 

First Cit. But why is the rich man getting richer? 
Because he exploits the labor of the poor man, that's 
why. Under a Socialistic form of government — ■ 

Second Cit. (cutting in hastily). Oh, cut the argu- 
ment ! When do they start ? 

6 



Third Cit. "Start?" Who start? 

Second Cit. (patiently). The Noahs. When do they 
go aboard? 

Third Cit. Oh, they go aboard today, but Heaven 
knows when they'll start. 

First Loaf, (taking his pipe from his mouth). The 
Flood'll commence on the tenth of this month. They 
can't start until then. 

Second Cit. (absently, gazing at the Ark). Natur- 
ally. 

First Cit. (sarcastically). The Flood? I don't see 
any Flood ! 

Third Cit. Nor I ! It's as dry 'round here as a Pro- 
hibition camp-meeting! Where is the Flood? Which 
Flood? 

(Meanwhile, tzvo men servants have crossed 
and recrossed, carrying household furnishings 
into the Ark, assisted, sometimes, by a casual 
bystander. Citizens pass in and out, inspecting 
the Ark idly and curiously. John Smith and the 
workman are delighted to explain, in panto- 
mime, the various features of interest.) 

First Loaf. Mr. Noah says it'll rain forty days and 
forty nights. 

Second Cit. Mr. Noah's cracked! What all have 
they got in there? (The workman hammers loudly.) I 
say what have they got in there? (The zvorkman pounds 
away, zvhistling, "Everybody works but father!") What 
have they filled it with — the Ark, you know? 

Second Loaf, (mildly, his hand to his ear). What 
is it? 

Second Cit. (in a shriek, while the workman pounds). 
What have they got in there, I say, — what are they go- 
ing to have in the Ark? 

Second Loaf, (grinning). Oh, animals and feed 
and tools and — 

John S. (coming forward politely). They've got 

7 



two of every kind of animal — every single kind of ani- 
mal they is on earth. We've been three weeks a-loadin' 
'em, an' they aint all in yit. 

First Cit. {looking him over coldly). "We?" How 
did you get in this, sonny? 

John S. {unabashed). I mean Mr. Noah has, — him 
and the boys. I run errants an' feed the animals wot 
they furgit. They is a good many animals. 

Third Cit. {sitting down on a box and whistling 
idly). You bet there are. We can't sleep nights for 
the animals tramping past. 

Second Cit. What, do they load 'em at night? 

First Cit. They have to, the people roared so about 
the dust. They've had two injunctions served on them 
for keeping a nuisance. 

John S. {wistfully regarding the Ark). It's jes' like 
a circus, — effants, 'oseronses — everything but a- cally- 
hope ! Gosh, I wisht I could go ! 

Second Cit. Can't you swim? 

John S. {resentfully) . Of course I kin swim. Wot 
yer take me for? 

{Enter a messenger, hastily.) 

AJess. {about winded). Where Mr. Noah? 

First Cit. {winking at the others). He's uptown 
buying an umbrella. There's going to be an awful rain, 
and he catches cold if he gets wet. What do you want 
with him? 

Second Cit. {pointing to the Ark). He's in there,, 
kid, currying the camels. 

John S. {eagerly). He aint no sich thing! Mr.. 
Noah started fer home jes' as I come. 

Second Loaf. Ham's in the Ark. Will he do? 

Mess. No, I must see Mr. Noah hisseff. Telegram 
fer him. 

First Loaf, {lounging up). Mr. Noah's behind the 
Boat there. The snakes got loose, it seems. 



John S. (instantly alert). Come on, I'll show yer! 
I seed them snakes a-comin' loose ! I tole Mr. Noah 
them boxes would n't hold ! I tole him ! (goes in great 
excitement, dragging the reluctant messenger). 

Second Cit. Somebody ought to lock him up. His 
belfry's full of bats ! 

Third Cit. Whose? The kid's? 

Second Cit. No, Mr. Noah's. The idea of a man of 
his brains going off at such a tangent ! (A low, horrible 
roar comes from the Ark.) What's that? 

First Loaf. Only the tigers. I guess they aint got 
used to it yet. 

Second Cit. Tigers ! Think of being penned up with 
tigers and hippotomuses ! The whole outfit will die, — 
the old flat-bottom's air-tight, is n't it? 

First Cit. (stumbling about, trying to see under the 
gangzvay) . They're going to use condensed air, they 
say. That's the talk about town. 

Third Cit. (with a disdainful sniff). I reckon they 
are, — petrified air ! 

Second Loaf, (nodding thoughtfully) . Mighty risky 
deal! 

First Loaf, (earnestly scanning the sky). But what 
if it docs rain? 

First Cit. (wheeling upon him sharply). Why, it'll 
be a long wet spell ! It has rained before and it will', 
rain after, in all probability, (stands aside for a man- 
servant, who staggers under a load of pillows) . Are you 
afraid ? Get a life-preserver, and bluff it out, man ! 
Why don't you offer to work your passage? Go with. 
the animals — they're all dead-head. 

Third Cit. Nobody but Noahs are allowed on board., 
but you might negotiate with the Admiral — 

(Enter a small messenger, with two big, flat 
paste-board boxes.) 

Mess, (wiping his forehead). Perfesser Noah here? 

9 



First Cit. (affably). No, the Elect are hiding out. 
What you got? 

Mess, (putting down the boxes). Where is he? (A 
loud roar comes from the Ark, then another, and an- 
other.) What's that? 

Second Loaf. Them's the lions. They fight all the 
time. 

Mess, (shying behind the First Citizen). Can they 
get out? How many are there? Who's got 'em? My 
eye, what a racket ! 

First Cit. (turning around). No, boy, they're done 
up in cotton. What have you got for Professor Noah? 

Mess, (still hiding behind him). Butterflies, — but- 
terflies on pins. 

Third Cit. Butterflies! Come off! (More roars from 
the restive animals.) 

Mess, (shying behind the Third Citizen). Yes they 
are. Is them lions caged, honest? 

Third Cit. How do I know? Ask the Admiral. I 
am not on the Committee of Internal Arrangements. 
Are the butterflies dead? 

Mess. Dead as a nit, and spiked on pins. 

First Loaf, (approaching the boxes). Where did 
you get them? 

Mess, (taking up the boxes). You let them boxes 
alone. Perfesser Jehu sent 'em for the Muzeewm. They're 
to be preserved on the Ark, — spec'mans. Is any of the 
Noahs here, I said? 

(Enter John Smith, running.) 

John S. (to the ivorkman, who has been explaining 
things, in back-ground pantomime, all the time, to divers 
inquiring citizens) . We kaint ketch the snakes ! The 
bow constructor is gittin' away! Mr. Noah says bring 
yer hammer quick! (The workman clatters out.) 

Mess, (nodding curtly). Hello, Shiner! 

John S. (absently). Hello, Yallerlegs! 

Mess, (loftily). Where's Mr. Noah? 

10 



John S. (beginning to swagger). He's 'round on 
the other side, a-ketchin' snakes. He made the boxes 
hisseff, an' they aint big enough. We tole him so, me 
an' Ham, but he said he guessed he was makin' them 
boxes. What yer got? 

Mess, (loftily). Butterflies. 

John S. Not mutch yer aint! The butterflies is all 
loaded. They're in Ham's wife's bandbox. 

Mess. But these is dead ones. 

John S. Not mutch yer don't! We aint a-loadin' 
nothin' dead. 

Mess, (right royally). Yer don't say! How long 
hev you owed this Ark, Shiner Smith? These is back- 
terolligal spec'mans. 

John S. (largely). Oh, that's different. Why did 
n't yer say so? Come on, bring 'em in. (The boys 
start up the gangivay.) Oh Ham! Oh Ham! 

(Ham Noah appears on the gangway, tying 
knots in a rope that trails after him.) 

Ham (to the intense, but furtive interest of the by- 
standers). "Who calls so loud?" Well, Shiner, is it 
you? What's the row? 

John S. (guilelessly). Here's a man with butter- 
flies. Shall I bring him in? 

Ham. No, thank you. We makes our own butter- 
flies, (turns to go in) . Tell him to go to. 

John S. But these is back-terror-olligal spec'mans. 

Ham. (grinning) Which? 

Mess, (hurrying tozvard Ham). These is backter- 
olligal spec'mans fer Perfesser Shem Noah, B. S. — 
that's wot it reads, (holds up one of the boxes). 

Ham. Oh, you're the "man," are you? ; 

Mess. Yessir. 

Ham. Glad to meet you, but you must go to Per- 
fesser Shem Noah, Blunderin' Skate., on all matters of 
science. (He turns, and goes up the gangway.) 

11 



John S. (gazing after him longingly). Gosh, I 
wisht I could go in there ! — Come on, Yellerlegs, you 
kin give 'em to Mr. Noah hisself. He is the Captain of 
this Boat. (The disappointed boys go out, with the 
boxes.) 

Second Loaf, (respectfully touching his hat to the 
Third Citizen). What do they want with dead butter- 
flies? 

Third Cit. I suppose old Prof. Jehu wants to keep his 
collection dry. Well, so long, fellow citizens. This is 
n't tending to business. I've a heap to do before the Big 
Rain. (He goes, grinning.) 

Second Cit. They say that Professor Jehu has pre- 
dicted this Flood for years. 

First Cit. (carelessly). So they say, so they say. 
And a high-brow down at the Institute has written a 
book about it. He says it'll be a local affair. 

Second Cit. Who says, — Jehu? 

First Cit. (with an air of off-hand erudition). No, 
the high-brow. It seems there have been a whole lot 
of Floods in history, and each nation claims that its 
Flood was universal. Whereas they've only been heavy 
rains, — destroyed the crops and floated the roofs, and 
that sort of thing. 

First Loaf. Does Mr. Noah know about them other 
Floods ? 

Second Loaf, (anxiously). How does he know there 
have been a lot of Floods ? 

First Cit. Oh, he's a sort of antiquarian, — digs in the 
dead languages, you know, and drags up things that 
sensible people have forgotten. That's about all they 
do at the Institute, — dig among dead roots and things, 
and write books about 'em. And the books are deader 
than the roots, by a long sight, (sighing). Well, if the 
Flood is only "a local affair," the Noahs will never get 
out of town. It'll take a deal of rain to float that aggre- 
gation ! 

(Hnter a messenger, with a small ivooden box.) 

12 



Well, son, what you got? {They crowd around the 
messenger.) 

Mess, (a fearsome youngster). I want ter see — do 
you know, — I — I mean I want to speak to — (sees the 
Ark). Oh, is that it? 

First Cit. (kindly). Yes, sonny, that is It. What 
have you got to contribute? 

Mess, (staring earnestly at the Ark). Do you think 
it'll hold 'em all right? 

Second Cit. Hold 'em? Hold 'em tight as a bottle. 
What have you got to seal up? 

(Enter John Smith, zvhistling.) 

Mess, (gazing at the Ark). I got horned toads. 

John S. (pausing to hitch up a broken gallon's). Mis- 
ter Noah aint goin' ter buy no more horned toads. He 
says he's seen 'nough horned toads ter fill a tub. That's 
wot he said, — ter fill a tub. 

Mess, (his awed gaze still on the Ark). He adver- 
tised fer some. 

John S. Yessir, he did, but he's got a-plenty. You'd 
better go 'long and not worrit him. The snakes is loose. 

Mess, (tremblingly). What did you say? 

John S. I said the snakes wuz loose. We're tryin' to 
ketch 'em now. 

Mess, (after one speechless gasp). Snakes! The 
snakes is loose! (He dashes out, wildly.) 

John S. (scornfully). He's 'fraid of snakes! Well, 
I'll be doggonned ! . 

(Bnter Jennie: and Matilda, carrying a small trunk. 

They get as far as the foot of the gangivay, 

and stop, tuckered out.) 

Jennie. Don't pull so ! Let's rest a minute. ( They 
put it down.) My, I'm tired. (The Loafers, embar- 
rassed, pretend to be vastly interested in the Ark.) 

First Cit. (with much courtesy). Can I be of any 
assistance to you, ladies? 

13 



Jennie, (hastily snatching the towel off her head). 
No, I think not; thank you just as much. It really is 
n't heavy, but the men are busy, and we are n't nearly 
ready to go, and this trunk is very important. 

Second Cit. (affably). Naturally, Madam. When 
do you expect to sail, Madam ? 

Jennie, (tidying her hair in some confusion) . We — 
we enter the Ark today, and we will sail when — when — 

Matilda, (gravely). When it rains. 

Second Cit. (bowing). Naturally, Madam. 

First Cit. That will be— er— delightful, Mrs. Noah, 
delightful. (The two men-servants cross into the Ark 
with clattering kitchen tins.) You seem to be making 
your new home comfortable. 

Jennie, (springing up from the trunk). Oh my 
goodness, I forget to tell Mamma about that gasoline! 
What if she puts it near the matches? (She hurries 
out.) 

First Cit. (to Matilda). I was about to remark that 
you seem to be making your new home comfortable. I 
trust that you will have a pleasant sail. 

Matilda, (getting up with azvkzuard expedition) . Yes, 
thank you, I — I hope so too. We— I mean I — I had 
better go see about the cellar windows. One cannot 
trust to servants in these matters. (She goes in embar- 
rassed haste.) 

Second Cit. (bowing to her retreating back). Na- 
turally, Madam, (to First Citizen). Seems to be a stren- 
uous living all around. Even the women are agile. 

(Enter Mrs. Noah, a dusting cap awry on her head, her 

gown tucked up, her arms full of bed linens, 

which she keeps dropping as she walks.) 

First Cit. (picking up a pillow case). Permit me, 
Madam. 

Mrs. N. (turning, drops a sheet). Thank you. Thank 
you. Do you know where Mr. Noah is, my good man ? 
Thank you. 

14 



First Cit. (stiffly, but picking up things politely). 
No, Mrs. Noah, I am not informed as to the Admiral's 
whereabouts. Permit me. 

Second Cit. (also assisting). Permit me, Mrs. Noah. 

Mrs. N. (smiling zuearily) . Thank you. Thank you. 
I am in such a hurry, and these things did n't get packed 
somehow. Everything must be aboard by 3 o'clock, 
positively, Mr. Noah says. There are always so many 
things to do at the last minute. 

Second Cit. Naturally, Madam. 

First Loaf, (taking off his shabby hat). Are the 
animals — packed ? 

Mrs. N. (arranging the linens on her arm). Yes, the 
animals are all fixed, nice and comfortable. Hammie 
says they fit like cobblestones. (The two serving men 
come down the gangway.) Adam and James, have you 
brought the dining-room chairs? 

Adam, (dismally). Yessum. (James nods three 
times.) 

Mrs. N. And the little green wash bench, — the one 
that stood in the corner of the summer kitchen? And 
the kitchen tins? And the clothes-wringer? 

Adam, (with a dismal nod at each separate question). 
Yessum. (James nods three times.) 

Mrs. N. (sitting down on the trunk). And Flossy's 
rocker and the porch cushions? And the empty fruit 
jars? And the soft soap? And the clothes pins? 

Adam, (nodding, like an automaton). Yessum. 

James, (gulping hard). Yes, Ma'am. 
- Mrs. N. (wiping her eyes on her gingham apron). 
And you locked the basement door? (Adam nods, 
speechless with woe. James looks unutterable devotion, 
sniffing slightly). All right, you may go now, Adam 
and James. Be good men; never tell a lie, and be care- 
ful about the east windows. (She extends her hand to 
each in turn.) Goodbye, Adam and James. 

Adam, (backing away blindly). You'll take us, won't 
you? 

15 



James, (sniffling). You bean't goin' to leave us 
behind ? 

Mrs. N. (sadly but -firmly). Go back to the house,. 
Adam and James, and be sure and close the front blinds. 
(Adam and James fall upon each other's necks, and 
blubber loudly.) Go home, Adam and James, — go home 
and feed the chickens. (Adam and James, clinging to 
each other, stagger out, to the profound commiseration 
of the Loafers. Mrs. Noah, still weeping softly, tries to 
unlock the trunk ; John Smith, carelessly vigilant, hovers 
near her.) Why, the lock's broken! And they left an 
unlocked trunk here! It was very dangerous! Every- 
thing might have been stolen ! I suppose they were 
tired; it's been a hard day for all of us. (She lifts the 
lid, then the tray lid, and takes out a palm-leaf fan.) 
A palm-leaf fan ! Well, I'll declare, those girls ! And 
■Matilda is so great on system! (Takes out the tray, and 
places it on the ground.) I'll just put this in here. (She- 
sorts the linen busily.) It will be easy enough to sort 
these things after we start. 

John S. Kin I do anything for you, Mrs. Noah? It's 
pretty tough on you women. 

Mrs. A r . (opening a sheet to line the trunk.) No,. 
Johnnie Smith, you can not help, but you are a good- 
hearted little boy. 

John S. Yessum. 

Mrs. N. You have helped us a good deal. Papa says 
he does n't know (she leans in the trunk) what we would 
have done without you. . I hope that you will — (She 
leans in the trunk again.) 

J r oicc from the Ark. Oh Mamma! Oh Mamma! 

Mrs. iV. (emerging form the trunk). I hope that 
you will grow up into a good man. You must never 
tell lies, and always be good to the poor. 

John S. (wistfully). Yessum. (He gazes at Mrs. 
Noah thoughtfully, and at the trunk more thoughtfully.) 
Yessum. 

Voice. Oh Mamma ! (Ham comes dozvn the gang- 
way a few steps.) 

16 



John S. Ham's a-callin' you, Mrs. Noah. 

Ham. (advancing down the gangway). I don't 
know where you women want the pantry shelves. You'd 
better come right away, and show me. 

Mrs. N. Yes, Hammie, I'm coming. You watch 
these things, Johnnie Smith. (She goes into the Ark 
with Ham, furtively watched by the Citizens and Loaf- 
ers.)- 

John S. (absently, gazing at the trunk). Yes, Ma'am. 
(He edges nearer and nearer the trunk.) She hates to 

go on the Ark — hates to like a dog. They all do 

I gotter a noshun ter ast Mr. Noah ter let me go with 

'em This trunk aint locked, an' it's empty 

Gosh, if I could git in there somehow! If 'I could git 
in there somehow ! 

(Enter Shsm Noah, lugging a snake box. He falls 
over something; the lid of the box falls off. Con- 
sternation seizes some of the bystanders; 
others try to assist him.) 

John S. (solus) If I wuz in there onct ! 'Taint 

locked ; the animals is all tied. I dassant ast Mr. Noah. 
(He wraps himself in a sheet, hastily, crazvls into the 
trunk, and .snaps to the lid.) 

Shem. (recovering himself and the box). I thank 
you, gentlemen. I thank you. 

First Cit. Did you get your butterflies? 

Shem. (mopping his brow). Butterflies, — what but- 
terflies? I have no butterflies. 

(Enter The Admiral, in his shirt sleeves, carrying a 
small box and a sazv.) 

Second Cit. (gravely). Pleasant day, Mr. Noah. No 
suggestion of rain. 

Mr. Noah, (walking straight ahead, and looking 
ditto). Take those snakes in, Shem. Immediately. This 
is no place for this trunk. Whose is it? Who left it 
here? And the tray left out? Could n't they leave 
something else to stumble over? If somebody would do 
something — 

17 



Shem. {standing still on the gangway, mutiny writ- 
ten all over him). Do something? Do something! A 
man is only a man, I guess. What do you expect? If 
for eight weeks I have n't worked like a Pyramid 
builder — 

Mr. N. {impatiently). Will you move on? Don't 
block the gangway. Stand and argue and argue and 
argue ! This snake weighs a ton ! Itemize your bill after 
we're afloat. Move on, will you? {Shem grins, and 
goes into the Ark.) Everybody stops to talk. It's too 
bad this is n't a sailing vessel, we'll have so much good 
wind on board ! {He sees the pile of linen that Mrs. 
Noah has abandoned.) The bed linen here, of all places ! 
Talk about system ! Women have no more idea of sys- 
tem than so many guinea pigs ! {He opens the trunk 
tray.) A palm-leaf fan! 

Second Cit. {affectionately). Did you get your tele- 
gram, Mr. Noah? 

Mr. N. {majesterially). If I did ? the contents con- 
cern me. {He starts up the gangway, pauses, returns 
to the trunk, nad attempts to open it. While he is strug- 
gling with it, Ham saunters dozvn the gangway, whist- 
ling imp eturb ably.) Here, Ham, take this trunk in. We 
won't be ready to start for a year at this rate. Go on, 
I'll bring the tray myself. Nobody does anything but 
whistle! {Ham drags the trunk up the gangway, whist- 
ling imp erturb ably.) I'll have to put this stuff away; 
the women will never think of it again. {He puts the 
linen in the tray, then assays to take the sazv, the box 
and the tray; fails, and goes, gravely, and with dignity, 
without the tray.) 

Second Cit. This is the Admiral's busy day. 
First Cit. "Everybody works but father!" {Ham 
comes dozvn the gangway, and takes up the tray, the 
crozvd yelling, variously; "Speech! Speech! Speech!" 
"Good day for ducks!" Do you think she'll float?" "You 
are the people!" "Life Preservers are up!") 

Second Cit. And yet, after all, the situation is not 
without pathos. 

18 



{Enter Flossy, in disordered dress, carrying a mirror 
and several men's coats. The crowd is respectfully 

silent until she has entered the Ark.) 
Second Loaf. If they do think there's going to be a 
Flood, they're a mighty stingy outfit! 
Second Loaf. That's what they are ! 

(Enter Adam, carrying a small blue enamel saucepan. 
He look about fearfully.) 

First Cit. Go on, man, the animals are caged. 
I Adam, (tremblingly). I — I dassant. 

Second Cit. (going to him). What did you come 
back for? 

Adam, (sniffling). To give Mrs. Noah her s-s-stew- 
pan. She always makes her p-p-porridge in this p-p-pan. 

First Loaf, (with acute sympathy) . Take it to her. 
She'll be glad to have it. She's in the Ark. 

Adam, (breaking down). I won't never see her 

ergin never ergin ! She's alius been good to me, 

and this is her s-s-stewpan ! 

(Enter hastily, Japheth, with one arm in a sling, and 
accompanied by Matilda and Jennie, carry- 
ing various domestic impedimenta.) 

Japh. (severely). Adam, you're a baby. — Go on, 
girls, get under cover. (They go in, with the best speed 
they can make, being much encumbered.) 

Adam, (clinging to Japhcfh). Take me wid yer, 
p-please, Mr. Japheth ! I'll serve you faithful ! . Take 
me wid yer ! 

Japh. (desperately). Take him away, somebody! 
Take him away! This is too much! (Adam is ten- 
derly led out by the Second Loafer, and a bystander.) 
Farewell, base world! Here goes nothin' ! (He dashes 
up the gangzmy.) 

First Cit. (with awe). That's the last of them, is 
n't it? 

First Loaf. Where's Shem? 

19 



First Cit. He's in there; don't you know, he had the 
snakes. Everybody is aboard. 

First Loaf. What time is it ? 

First Cit. (consulting his watch). Five minutes to 
three. There's Ham ! (Ham walks gravely down the 
gangway, picking up things; pauses, looks at the sky, 
the -fields, wishfully, then goes in, slowly, his head down.) 

Second Cit. (sighing in unconscious sympathy) . Yes, 
it's pretty tough. Now all they need is rain. ( There is 
an instant's silence, then a heavy creaking and pound- 
ing.) What's that? Listen! (Mr. Noah's voice is 
heard in steady command; "Easy nozv. Easy! Take 
hold higher up, there, Shem! Easy! Further to the 
left, Ham! Let her go! Let her go!") There goes the 
gangplank! (It falls to the ground.) They're off! 
(There succeeds a deep rumbling noise.) Thunder? By 
George, not thunder? (looks up anxiously). 

First Cit. Look, look, the door! Man, they're shut- 
ting it ! They're shutting the door ! ( The heavy rumb- 
ling continues.) 

First Loaf, (taking off his hat and bowing his head). 
The last of the Noahs. 

Second Cit. (as the slow rumbling grows fainter). 
It's suicide! (takes off his hat). 

First Loaf. Or murder ! 

First Cit. Or both! (As he speaks, the faint rumb- 
ling dies quite away.) 

{The curtain falls on the three men standing as if a 
funeral ivere passing.) 



20 



ACT II 

(The Afternoon of the Twentieth Day Out. 
The main hallway of the Ark, a dusty, murky 
space, devoted to empty boxes and barrels, and 
general disorder. This space is dimly lighted 
by one discouraged wall-candle. On one side, 
unseen, are animal stalls and cages — unseen but 
not unfelt!) 
(Enter John Smith, cautiously, barefooted and ragged.) 
John S. (as he snoops about, looking for something). 

If I could fin' a candle! It's awful dark, but at 

night they put out the candles, an' I kaint see ter git 
'round a tall! I gotter be keerful in the daytime; they 
is alius somebody somewheres. They is a good many 
Noahs, (listens). You kin never tell what you'll meet 
next on this 'ere Boat ; maybe a tiger, maybe a 'oserous. 
(A four-footed beast is heard approaching.) I'll bet 
that's Old Calico! He's alius a-snoopin' 'round. (The 
four-footed beast passes him dimly in the gloom.) Old 
Calico. I knowed it wuz him. (He prowls around, 
peering anxiously into barrels and boxes.) I dunno how 
long we been sailin'. Maybe it's a hundred years. I'll 
never tell yer ! (Some snarls and growls come from the 
neighboring Animal Exhibit.) Them's the tigers. They 
fight a good deal; seems like they kaint git used to the 
dark. (A series of blood-curdling growls filter through 
the gloom.) Gee, if one of them 'uld git loose I would 
n't las' a minute ! I would n't make a good bite fur that 

bigges' tiger! I gotter have somepin to eat! If 

I could fin' a candle fer tonight I'd be all right, (listen- 
ing and looking) . There comes Mr. Noah. He's lookin' 
fer me. He's alius lookin' fe me. I got him guessin'. 
(He hides behind a barrel.) He'd be skeered ter death 
if he did fin' me. (Mr. Noah conies in, lantern in hand; 
he peers around carefully, listens, then goes^ out, his lan- 
tern held high. John Smith comes out cautiously.) The 
other night he almost ketched me. He wuz as clost as 
this. They all suspicion me, even the women. I'll have 

21 



ter swipe a piece offen this candle. (He climbs upon a 
barrel, and takes the candle out of its holder. Footsteps 
are heard approaching, and in fright he blozvs out the 
candle.) 

(Enter Matilda and Jennie, carrying candles.) 

Matilda, (squinting narrozuly around). It's our duty, 
you see, to hunt till we find this — this person. 

Jennie. Yes, we got to. Listen! It seems to me I 
hear somebody breathing. 

Matilda, (after an intense listening). I guess not. I 
don't hear a thing. 

Jennie, (sitting dozvn on a nail keg). I'm tired all 
the time. I suppose it's the strain, expecting to find 
something, you don't know what. Are you going to tell 
Father? After all, we don't know anything for sure. 

Matilda, (sternly, suspending her wary search). Why 
don't we know ? We hear strange footsteps ; the candles 
are stolen from their holders ; Ham says that they can't 
possibly burn out so fast, — they must be stolen. Every 
night things are taken from the refrigerator. Mamma 
thinks it's the monkeys. You know it is n't the monkeys. 
So do I. 

Jennie, (with a shudder). Maybe it's ghosts. 

Matilda, (scornfully). Ghosts don't eat meat and 
potatoes, I guess. And they don't steal candles and break 
dishes. It is n't ghosts and it is n't monkeys ; I know 
that ; you know that. No sir, somebody sneaked aboard 
this Boat that last day, when we were n't looking. I feel 
it in my bones. You wait. You'll see. 

Jennie. It almost makes me sick. Do you think 
Father knows? (Sounds from the Animal Exhibit.) 

Matilda, (peering into things, slowly and cautiously) . 
Listen to those dreadful animals. They get worse every 
day. I think he suspects. 

Jennie, (with a gasp of horror). Oh, you do! Did 
he say so? 

Matilda, (reaching into a barrel). Of course not. 

22 



He'd rather die than let any one know. But he £eeps 
looking over his shoulder all the time, and when any- 
thing falls he jumps as if it were a pistol shot. 

Jennie. It will kill him. He'll never be able to stand 
it in the world. 

Matilda, (coming mighty near John Smith in her 
Search). He's got to stand it. We all have. Why, the 
wall candle's out ! I declare ! Now what do you know 
about that? Do you suppose the monkeys did that? Of 
course there is somebody aboard this Boat; there's no 
question about it. I'll light it again. (Lifting her candle 
high, she starts for it. John Smith scrambles softly doivn 
in the darkness.) Listen! What's that? 

Jennie. Go over and see. You're nearest. 

Matilda, (standing like a zvooden zvoman). I — 
I guess it is n't anything. What did it sound like to you ? 

Jennie, (zvith a giggle of pure nerves). It sounded 
like a — a person, for all the world. Would n't it be fun- 
ny if we'd find him? I would be scared to death. (An 
intense pause succeeds.) Are n't you scared, honest? 

Matilda, (with confidence) . I am not afraid of any- 
thing on this Boat. 

Jennie, (with manifest admiration) . You are n't? Not 
tigers ? 

Matilda. The tigers are all in cages, goosey. 

Jennie, (snuffing the candle she holds). Are n't you 
afraid of snakes? 

Matilda. No, I don't like snakes, but I am not afraid 
of them. (In the adjacent darkness, John Smith knocks 
something down.) 

Jennie, (starting up). There, I told you! There is 
somebody there! 

Matilda. Listen! (More muffled noise in the dark- 
ness). Is — is anybody there? (weakly). I say, is — is 
anybody there? Please answer Answer me, Sir! 

Jennie, (clinging to her). Hush, he might shoot us! 
Can you see anything? Let's call the boys. 

23 



Matilda, (firmly). We know you are there. Please 
answer. Is anybody there? (They both peer into the 
darkness whence comes the noise.) 

Jennie. Tell him if he will answer we will not tell 
Father on him, — nor anybody. 

Matilda. If you will answer, we will — we will pro- 
tect with our lives Is anybody there? (John Smith 

growls a big, lion-like growl.) 

Jennie. Tigers! Tigers! Good Heavens, they're 
loose! (She flees into the outer darkness, leaving her 
forgotten candle on the floor by the nail keg.) 

Matilda, (after a frozen stare into the darkness). 
Wait for me! (She stumbles, regains her balance, and 
flees, crying, "Wait for me! Wait for me':') 

John S. (coming boldly into the arc of light caM by 
Jennies candle). That skeert 'em all right. Women is- 
awful cowards. I'm gettin' so I kin growl ter beat the 
tigers theirselves. Perfect me with their lives ! I have a 
fotygraph of their doin' jes' that thing! You bet I do 
steal things from the -'frigerator. Only Mrs. Noah she 
puts out the kitching candles, an' I kaint fin' the 'friger- 
ator. (He takes up the candle from the floor.) Women 
is awful cowards. 

A Voice. Oh Japh ! 

John S. That's Ham. He suspicions me too. (turns- 
towards the Voice, wistfully). I gotter no shun ter let. 
him ketch me, I'm so blame hongrey ! 

The Voice. Is that you, Japh? 

John S. (still wistfully). Hani's a good feller. He'd, 
treat me white. No, I dassant. He'd tell Mr. Noah. (He 
extinguishes the candle, and steals behind a barrel, very- 
softly.) 

(Bntcr Ham, from the opposite direction, candle in hand.)- 

Ham . Where are you ? I say, Japh, where are 

you ? Why, I thought Japh was here ! Hello, 

is anybody here? "Stand and deliver!" "Your money 
or your life!" (picks up Matilda's candle). What's this? 1 

24 



Matilda's candle. You can track the women by the can- 
dles they lose. Candles instead of hairpins. The world 

do move I thought Japh was here ; I certainly 

heard somebody. I must be getting the jimmies. 

(Enter, Shem, candle in hand.) 
Is that you, Japh? Hello! Hello! Is that you, Japh? 
Shem. No, it's me. What are you yelling about? Any- 
thing loose? 

Ham. Not that I know of. I thought you were Japh. 

Shem. Well hardly. You must be blind. 

Ham. (looking about uneasily). We'll all be as blind 
as moles if we live in this gloom much longer. Where's 
Japh? 

Shem. I thought he was here. 

Ham. ( n ervously ) . Why ? 

Shem. (frowning heavily). I thought I heard him. 
How long have you been here? 

Ham. About a thousand years. Why? 

Shem. (looking behind him). You shoot off that 
"Why?" like a pop-gun. Calm yourself. I only thought 
I heard — 

Ham. (irritably). So did I! 

Shem. (eagerly). What did you hear? 

Ham. (sitting dozvn wearily on the nail keg). I give 
it up ! What did you ? 

Shem. (upsetting things in his blundering search 
among the barrels). I don't know. 

Ham. For heaven's sake, stop that racket ! Let 
things alone ! 

Shem. Let them alone yourself. I'm not asking you. 
to pick them up, am I ? 

Ham. What are you looking for? 

Shem. (banging- around indefinitely). I wish I knew J 
(He upsets something else.) 

Ham. Stop that, I said. Sit down, like a decent white 
man. 

25 



Shem. (wheeling on him wrathfully) . You're as ner- 
vous as an old woman! What were you looking for? 

Ham. When? 

Shem. Just now. 

Ham. Where ? 

Shem. Here — when I came in, a minute ago. 

Ham. (serenely) . Nothin'. I was going to feed the 
elephants. 

Shem. (pettishly). Going to feed the elephants in 
your eye ! They were fed two hours ago, and you know 
it. You were hunting something. (There is some con- 
fusion among the neighboring animals, under cover of 
which John Smith steals to another barrel.) What's that? 

Ham. (essaying an impressive yawn). Talk about 
a pop-gun ! You act like a hair-trigger ! That's only 
the hyenas. 

Shem. (hunting among the barrels, noisily). Well, 
that's enough. They're probably fighting. They never 
say die. I admire their pluck. Have you another candle ? 
(Ham produces one. John Smith steals out very softly.) 
Hark! What's that? 

Ham. (cutting his extra candle in tzvo). It is the 
rain, my dear Professor. "The rain, it raineth every day." 
What's the matter with you ? Cheer up. All is not lost. 
This is only an experiment. There is land, you know, 
somewhere, sometime. 

Shem. (in a half -whisper). Did n't you hear that — 
that step? 

Ham. You're all ears. Why don't you rent yourself 
out for your acoustic properties? 

Shem. (coming quite close to his brother). Ham, I 
want to tell you something, but don't say anything about 
it. After all, it may be just my suspicion. I've been 
wanting to tell you for some time, but there is always 
somebody around. I am convinced that there is, aboard 
this Boat — 

Ham. (rising, and edging away). Don't tell me. 

26 



Keep it dark. Wait till we get ashore, and tell a police- 
man. 

Shem. I've got to tell somebody, and I'd- rather tell 
you. I am convinced, as I was about to say, that there 
is, aboard this Ark — 

Ham. (edging clear of him). Thank you, Professor. 
I feel the honor, but really I would rather not know. 
Keep it to yourself. "Go bury thy sorrows." 

Shem. (looking absently into the distant darkness). I 
- wish I could ! But you ought to know the facts, so we 
can decide upon some course of action. 

Ham. No, keep it to yourself. It's too — too hideous. 

Shem. (startled). What's hideous? What are you 
talking about? 

Ham. (taking up his candle and starting out). The 
same thing you are. I won't stand for it. 

(Enter Japheth, slowly, zvith a large dark-lantern.) 
Hello, Japh, what are you shadowing, — a horse-thief? 

Japh. (turning the bull's-eye full upon Ham). I 
thought I heard somebody — 

Ham. (backing off). Quit that! I have n't stolen 
anything. Here's your party ; gentleman on my left. 

Shem. You heard that lantern, maybe. "Though si- 
lent, it yet speaketh." Why don't you use a drum ? 

Japh. (solemnly). I thought I heard something. 

Shem. (severely regarding him). You probably did. 

Japh. (more solemnly). I tell you I thought I heard 
something. 

Shem. And I tell you that you probably did. 

Japh. I thought I heard — 

Ham. So did I. 

Japh. (looking around fearfully). What did you 
hear? 

Ham. What did you? 

Japh. (wiping his forehead). I don't know. I — I 
thought — it was— a — I mean the jaguar. 

27 



Ham. Shut off that fool lantern! 

Shem. No, you did n't think it was the jaguar. You 
knew it was n't that versatile brute. We caught him 
yesterday. You were there. What's the use of lying ? 

Japh. (on a still hunt with his lantern). Nobody's 
lyin'. Who are you? I guess I know what I'm talking 
about, (to Ham). How long have you been here ? (He 
falls over something, stumblingly.) 

Ham. (jumping about a foot). Keep still, you clum- 
sy guy ! There's nothing there. And shut off that fool 
lantern ! It gives me the highstrikes ! 

Japh. (facing them angerily). Well, then, have the 
highstrikes ! Nobody cares what you have, or how long 
you have it ! It's so blame dark that a fellow can't see 
where he's going! How long have you been here, I 
said? 

Ham and Shem. (zvith full concert effect). Why? 

Japh. When you came was — was — that is, did you 
hear anything? And have you moved anything? (The 
four-footed beast pads in, slowly, in the gloom.) What's 
that? (He grabs Ham's arm violently.) Ham, what's 
that ? 

Shem. (staring). What is that? 

Ham. (raising his candle). Be still! (The four- 
footed beast lunges lazily past, into the outer darkness.) 
What do you see? 

Shem. (zvith a keen in-take of breath). It's only Old 
Calico. The old slouch is loose again. I thought — 

Ham. (wriggling away from Japheth's clutch). Ouch! 
Let go my arm ! 

Japh. (sinking on a box). That was horrible — hor- 
rible ! I'm — I'm all upset. 

Ham. (nursing his bruised, arm). I suspected as 
much, my son. 

Shem. (zvith a gusty sigh). So am I. I'm on my 
last legs. I'll dance and yell if this thing is n't stopped. 

Japh. (moping his neck and brow). What, you got 
'em, too? 

28 



Ham. (to Shem). What do you mean? 

Shem. (dismally) . You know what I mean. We all 
know what we mean, and we all mean the same thing. 
I can't stand it any longer. Look at Japh. He's posi- 
tively getting wild-eyed. 

Ham. (lifting his candle, the better to scan Japheth's 
face) . He sure is ; looks like a scared Brownie. 

Japh. (gazing at Ham with melancholy earnestness) . 
I'm getting pop-eyed looking into corners. Everywhere 
»I go, I — I keep looking for something that is n't there. 
It's got on my nerves. I can't eat ; I can't sleep ; I chase 
'round and 'round this bloomin' Boat like a pinwheel f 
I've caught my death of cold being out in the night air. 
(with a melancholy snicker). 

Ham. (lowering his candle from Japheth's face). Oh r 
come off ! That's imagination. There's no night on this 
Boat, so how can there be any night air ! There may be 
night on the outside, but I've forgotten. 

Japh. Well, anyway, I'd give ten dollars for an hour's 
sleep. 

Shem. So would I, a sleep unbroken by visions, as it 
were. 

Ham. (cheerfully). You fellows have the jimjams.. 
It's all imagination. Shut off that lantern, and think of 
the fellows on the outside. 

Japh. I can't think of them. It's worse than — than 
thinking of the fellows on the inside. (There succeeds 
a distressful silence, occupied by the animals only.) 

Ham. (slowly). Listen to those wretched animals! 
They manage to keep up an interest. Did you ever hear 
such a tousle ! No wonder we all have the creeps ! 

Japh. (to Ham). What do you think it is? 

Ham. I don't think. I can't stand the pressure. Go' 
bathe your head. 

Japh. (nodding a great many times, solemnly). I 
think. 

Shem. So do I. I've been thinking for a long time. 

29 



Ham. (rising with a determined air). It's only sus- 
picion. You can't prove anything. 

Japh. You mean we can't catch anything. 

Ham. (starting out). I mean that you fellows are 
working your imagination overtime. After all, what do 
you know? 

Japh. (reluctantly). Well, nothing — as yet. 

Ham. Then don't go snooping around as if you were 
conversing with spirits. Tuck in your nerves and go to 
sleep. It's a long yet time to land. (They are silent, 
looking -steadfastly at each other, Ham standing, candle 
in hand.) 

(Bnter Flossy, carrying a candle, her skirts held 
daintily.) 

Flossy, (runs plump into Ham). Oh my goodness, 
how you scared me ! 

Ham. (picking up her candle). Then look where you 
are going. 

Flsosy. Oh, how you frightened me ! I'm trembling 
all over! 

Shem. Sit down, my dear. (She does so, on a soap 
box.) 

Ham. (zvheeling on her suspiciously) . What are you 
trembling for? 

Flossy. Because I am frightened. Why? 

Ham. I mean, what are you looking for? 

Flossy. I am not looking for anything. I was going 
to give the monkeys some peanuts. 

Ham. Yes, you were going to feed the monkeys ! 
Why don't you 'fess up? 

Flossy. I was. Here are the peanuts. How queer 
you all look! Is anything the matter? 

Shem. Oh, no, everything is lovely. "Every prospect 
pleases, and only man is vile !" 

Ham. (chants). "It's all serene as a canned sardine 
That was canned at the seige of Troy." 

30 



Flossy. I'm glad you think it's lovely. I don't. It's 
so dark you're afraid to move, and you never know what 
you'll meet around the corners. 

Shan, (grabbing her by the arm). What do you 
mean? What do you expect to meet, in Adam's name? 

Flossy. Don't hold my arm so tight. It hurts awful- 
ly. Why, I mean there are so many queer noises, and 
the animals are always coming loose, and — (There is a 
terrific crash of falling things without.) Oh, my good- 
ness, what's that? 

Ham. Cages down ! I suppose the baboon is hold- 
ing a soiree ! Come on, you fellows ! That means first 
aid to the injured! (He dashes out.) Come on! (An- 
other crash is heard, and a fezv choice snarls and grozvls.) 

Shern. Nothing monotonous about this life! One con- 
tinuous round of gaity ! Japh, you take Flossy back to 
the sitting-room. (He goes, to a chorus of snarls.) ■ 

Japh. (drawing a keg near Flossy's box, and sitting 
dozvn thereupon). Were n't you looking for somebody 
now, honest? 

Flossy. How funny you look — as if your eyes would 
pop if you winked them ! Honest, I was n't ! Hope to 
die! I was going to feed the monkeys. See? (She 
holds up a paper sack.) 

Japh. Then you don't know anything about this? 

Flossy. Which ? What is the matter with you ? Every- 
body is so queer. It's like being penned up with crazy 
people to live with you men. 

Japli. Well, maybe I am crazy. I hope I am. Any- 
way, how many people are there on this Boat? 

Flossy, (zi'onderingly) . Eight, of course. Eight 
Noahs. 

Japh. Why of course? 

Flossy, (edging away from him). Are you sick? 
You look so spooky. 

Japh. Never mind how I look. How many people 
are there on this Boat? 

Flossy. Is it a riddle? 

31 



Japh. Riddle nothin' ! Just wait until I show you. 
Can you keep a secret? (He adjusts the dark-lantern.) 

Flossy. Oh, is there a secret? Of course I can. Go 
on, tell me. 

Japh. This is a pretty solemn sort of secret. Do you 
swear not to tell? 

Flossy. Never. Cross my heart and hope to die. 

Japh. You won't tell Father, nor— nor anybody? " 

Flossy I did n't tell when you bribed Josh Robinson 
to vote for Father, did I? 

Japh. No, you were a trump, and you must n't tell 
this. It would kill Father if he knew. 

Flossy, (looking around uneasily). Go on, but — I'm 
awfully frightened. Are any of the animals dead? Is 
it the giraffe? 

Japh. It's worse than that. It's worse than a grave- 
yard full of giraffes ! It's worse than anything. Wait 
till I show you something. That is, if I can find them. 
(He searches the dusty floor carefully zvith his lantern.) 
Here they are, by George ! I knew it ! I knew it ! 
Come here. 

Flossy, (starting up). I'd rather not. I'm going 
away. 

Japh. Oh, come on. You said you would. I want 
to tell you about it. You're always a good fellow. 

Flossy. I don't want to see. I'm afraid, and that old 
lantern is so dreadful, and you look so snoopy ! 

Japh. (taking her by the arm). You come here. You 
said you would. 

Flossy, (fearfully) . W — what is it? 

Japh. (focussing the light on the floor zvith much 
care). Look here, on the floor. See anything? 

Flossy, (bending over). I don't see anything but 
dust. It's a disgrace the way you boys keep this Hall. 
(She studies the lighted space zvith grownig interest.) 

Oh, these are these are — what are they ? Oh 

Japheth, what are they? 

32 



Japh. (stolidly). You tell. 

Flossy. It's a little nigger's feetprints — footprints, I 
mean. 

Japh. (bending over the footprints). Why a little 
nigger's ? 

Flossy, (giggling). Because I know they are — a lit- 
tle nigger's feetprints. 

Japh. Sit down. Are you going to have hysterics ? 

Flossy, (giggling). No, of course not. I never (a 
series of ripply giggles) I never have hysterics. You 
know (a ripply giggle or tivo) I never do — never did in 
all my life. A little nigger's feetprints! Is n't it funny? 
How did you know? 

Japh. (sternly). Sit down. 

Flossy, (sitting doivn quite meekly). Did you bring 
him on board? 

Japh. (studying the footprints). Of course not. 
What do you take me for? He must have sneaked in 
that last day when we were all so busy. 

Flossy, (with a prolonged giggle). A stowaway? 
Is n't that dreadful? Does anybody know but us? 
Where is he? Does Father know he's here? What's 
his name? How old is he? 

Japh. (striding up and down). How do I know? I 
have n't seen him. I found these tracks about a week 
ago, — a week ago yesterday. You must n't tell Father. 

Flossy, (gazing at the tracks). Of course not. It's 
a heap worse than leaks, is n't it? 

Japh. It's worse than anything. 

Flossy. Where is he? 

Japh. Who? Father? In the feed-bins. 

Flossy. No, the little nigger boy. 

Japh. How do you know he's a nigger boy? 

Flossy. You said he was. 

Flossy, (breaking down). No, I did n't. You said 
so. You must have. I could n't imagine such a thing. 
How could I? You said he was a little nigger boy. 

33 



Japh. {resuming his weary march). Well then, I 
did. Don't cry. It does n't matter. I don't know what 
color he is. I've never seen him, I told you. But he 
must be pretty blue by this time. 

Flossy, {looking around fearfully). Where do you 
suppose he stays? 

Japh. (with a groan). I give it up. I give it up. 
But he's kept me humping. He's here every night, 
though. 

Flossy, (with a shudder). "Here?" 

Japh. In the Hall here, looking for something to eat, 
probably. 

Flossy. What are you going to do? 

Japh. (throwing out his arms). I don't know. I 
don't know. I wish to Heaven I did ! I can't eat nor 
sleep. I have n't had a single happy moment since I 
discovered these darn tracks ! I ought to catch him and 
throw him overboard, but I'd hate to do that. I don't 
want to find him, but I can't help hunting him. 

Flossy, (hopefully). Maybe he'll die. 

Japh. (sinking down on a box with a heart-rending 
sigh). I've thought of that, but he won't. He'll keep 
on prowling around, and some day Father'll run into him 
and then — • (There is a hopeless siience, punctured by 
some growls from the Animal Exhibit.) 

Flossy, (still not without hope). Maybe it's a girl. 
That would n't be so bad, would it? Let's look at the 
feetprints again. (They do so, long and earnestly.) 
What funny toes, so short and stumpy ! 

Japh. They're not the toes of an aristocrat, sure. No, 
it's a boy. A girl could n't have stood it so long. 

Flossy, (giggling)- How long do you suppose he's 
been on the Ark? 

Japh. (impatiently, rising from his examination of 
the tracks). As long as we have, of course. He could 
n't get aboard after we started, I suppose. 

Flossy. No, of course not. Excuse me ; I was n't 
thinking, (with a light giggle). He must have lots of 

34 



fun. Just think, he sees us and we can't see him. I 
wonder what he thinks of us? 

Japh. (sighing like a furnace). He thinks we're a 
mighty mean outfit ; everybody does. 

Flossy. But we did n't save ourselves. We had to 
come, you know. I would have invited all the girls, if 
I had dared. Do you suppose he's 'fraid of the animals? 

Japh. He probably is, — scared to death. Now stop 
• giggling and tell me what to do. I thought you'd help 
me; you always have. I am going to hunt tonight — 

Flossy. Oh, let me help you ! Let me ! I won't tell ! 

Japh. You may help in the day time, of course, but 
it's no work for a woman at night. Some night I'll 
catch him sure. It's only a matter of time. Hark, some- 
body's coming. Remember, mum's the word. 

(Fnter Mrs. Noah, carefully, carrying a candle as if 
she were afraid of it.) 

Mrs. N. (dolefully). What are you doing, Japheth? 
Is it a leak? 

Japh. Hello, Mamma, is that you? Taking a consti- 
tutional? I was showing Flossy the kangaroo tracks. 
They have the funniest feet ! 

Mrs. N. (dolefully). I do not care what sort of feet 
kangaroos have. I thought they walked on their tails. 
I am tired of the animals. Sometimes I — I almost wish 
there were n't any animals ! 

Japh. Why, Mamma, cheer up. That is a dreadful 
wish. If it were n't for the animals, we would be out 
in this pounding rain. Where are you going? 

Mrs. N. I am not going any place. There is no 
place to go. But I get so nervous when I think of the 
animals that I can't stand it. (Sniffs and peers around). 
It's strange that you all like to stay up here; it is so 
dark and the animals smell so bad. How can you stand 
it? Why don't you have more candles on the wall? No- 
body seems to care how dismal it is. All you think about 
is the animals. Where is Papa? Everybody is so — so 

35 



queer and so away all the time. (Weeps.) Is anything 
the matter? Have you had a fire? 

Flossy, (going to her). Why, Mamma, what is it? 
(She takes Mrs. Noah's candle.) Are you sick? 

Mrs. N. (applying her handkerchief to her eyes). I 
don't know. I guess I am a little homesick, maybe, and 
then I am worried about Papa. He acts so strangely, 
and he — he does n't sleep. Why, he — don't you tell, for 
he thinks I don't know it, but he gets up in the night 
to feed the animals ! Is n't it terrible, — all by himself 
in this big lonesome Boat ! 

Japh. (exchanging a fleeting glance of understand- 
ing with Flossy). Well, we'll feed them more in the 
daytime. They eat their heads off, anyhow. Where are 
the girls ? 

Mrs. N. (weeping softly). I don't know. I don't 
know where anybody it. Nobody pays any attention to* 
me. And it is so dark, and the rain pours so, and the 
animals smell so bad ! And Papa says that we may 
spring a leak at any minute ! I think the Ark is a d — d — 
dreadful place! (She leans against Flossy, and weeps 
copiously.) 

Japh. Why, Mamma, I am astonished at you. Cheer 
up. Here we are, the only family on earth with a pri- 
vate yacht, on a trip around the world, with nothing to 
do but enjoy ourselves. It does seem to me that you 
might manage to take the situation more hopefully! 

Mrs. N. (weeping with unrestrained ardor). It is. 
so dark, and the rain pounds so, and the animals smell 
so bad ! 

Ham's Voice, (from the Animal Exhibit). Japh!' 
Oh Japh ! Come here ! Bring a rope ! 

Shem's Voice, (also from the Exhibit). Bring a saw!'. 
Hurry up ! And some nails ! 

Mrs. A r . (looking out from her handkerchief). Is 
it the animals? 

Japh. (rising like a man who has been tired for a 

36 



long time) . Oh, yes, it's the animals. Everything is 
the animals ! 

Ham's Voice. Are you coming, Japh? Don't stop to 
dress your hair! The jaguar's out again! 

Japh. Flossy, you take care of Mamma. {He goes 
out, on the gallop.) 

Flossy, (leading Mrs. Noah). Come, Mamma, let's 
go where the lights are. 

Mrs. N. (-weeping gently). It is so dark, and the 
rain pours so, and the animals smell so bad. (They gO' 
out, a stately progress, to the light of Flossy's candle.) 

(The Curtain falls slowly, on the deserted Hall, zm'tk 

sounds of tremendous activity in the 

Animal Exhibit.) 

ACT III 

(The Night of the Same Day. The Hall in 
semi-gloom, a gloom punctured, occasionally, by 
the sleep-sounds of the neighboring animals. 
Enter, presently. Flossy, in a scarlet bathrobe, 
her hair in a tangled mop, walking in a halo 
of light cast by the candle she carries.) 

Flossy, (advancing slozvly, perhaps fearfully). It- 
would be a good joke on Japheth if I'd find him first. 
He thinks I'm afraid. I'll show him. All women are 
not such cowards, (stumbles) . Ouch! I'm not really 

afraid of anything but rats I'm going to look in 

the loft. I think he's up there. Would n't it be funny 
if it was n't a little nigger boy at all, — if it was only the 
animals we hear! (Stumbles again.) I wish I had a. 
lantern. There are a good many things to fall over. It's 
disgraceful the way the boys keep this Hall. I think 
Father ought to know about it. (She stumbles over a 
small bos, and the candle is extinguished.) I've hurt 
my toe dreadfuMy. I guess it's broken. Oh my good- 
ness, I have n't any matches! I wonder where I 

am? I forgot to look! (She gropes around noisily). 
It's awfully dark. I wish I had left Japheth find the 

37 



little nigger boy! {There comes a long, low grunt from 
one of the sleeping animals.) Horrors, what if some- 
thing would get loose? Shem says they're very restless 
in their sleep. I'll get on something high. {There are 
sounds of scrambling and considerable physical exertion.) 
I wish Japheth would come. I suppose he's around 

somewhere I wonder where Japheth is ? My, it's 

cold! {A heavy sigh, then another.) I think it 

must be nearly morning. Somebody will be coming 

pretty soon to light the candles I wish I had let 

Japheth find the little nigger boy There's somebody 

coming! I won't say a word. Maybe it's Japheth. Oh, 
it's Father ! It's Father ! He's walking in his sleep ; his 
eyes are open, but he does n't see a thing. {A soft gig- 
gle). How comical he looks in that night cap! I'll let 
him go on past. 

{Enter Mr. Noah, in dressing gozvn and slippers, 
wearing also a sort of Mr. Pickwick cotton nightcap. 
He carries a large candle, and zvalks straight ahead, look- 
ing ditto, when suddenly his candle reveals a dishevelled 
crimson figure crouching on a high zvooden box.) 

It's only me, Father, — Flossy. 

Mr. N. {falling back a step). Florence! Why, Flor- 
ence ! 

Flossy, {tucking her robe about her feet anxiously) . 
Yes, Father, it's me, — Flossy, you know. 

Mr. N. {leaning iveakly against a barrel). Florence! 
Florence ! 

Flossy. Don't be scared. I'm all right. 

Mr. N. Florence ! I never was so astonished in my 
life ! 

Flossy, {meekly). Yes, Father. 

Mr. N. {recovering slightly). I declare, you gave 
me quite a turn. 

Flossy. Yes, Father. I was afraid to speak until 
you saw me. What are you doing? 

Mr. N. {gravely). I am walking in my sleep. 

Flossy. Oh. 

38 • 



Mr. N. And what are you doing, may I ask? 

Flossy, (with dimpled gravity). I am — was — wait- 
ing for somebody to come. 

Mr. N. You should be in your bed at this time of 
night. Have you lost anything? 

Flossy. No, I have not lost anything. 

Mr. N. Where is your candle? 

Flossy. I dropped it when I fell. I stubbed my toe 
on something you know. 

Mr. N. (sternly, suspiciously). Why are you up 
there ? 

Flossy. It's pretty high up, is n't? I was afraid some 
of the animals might get loose, and so I — I climbed up 
here. (In sudden embarrassment, she tucks in her slip- 
pered feet. Then Mr. Noah, suddenly self-conscious, 
snatches off his nightcap.) 

Mr. N. (setting his candle down on the barrel). But 
what are you doing up there at all? You ought to be in 
your bed. It's past midnight. 

Flossy. I thought it was nearly morning. My, it's 
cold up here. (Mr. Noah gases at her zvith unrelenting 
sternness) . Oh, you see Shem has a — a toothache, and 
we had n't any camphor in our room, and so I went to 
the storeroom for some, and — 

Mr. N. But the storeroom is on the other side of the 
Boat. 

Flossy, (blandly). Yes, Father, but I thought I 
would take a little walk. And as I was coming through 
the Hall, I stubbed my toe. 

Mr. N. (picking up her candle, and relighting it at 
his own). Here is your candle, my dear. You select .a 
singular time for a pleasure stroll. Why did n't Shem 
go for the camphor himself? • I am ashamed of him. 
This is no place for a woman. 

Flossy, (dimpling). His tooth hurt him too bad. 
It's perfectly awful, — a wisdom tooth, you know. 

39 



Mr. N. It's time he's cutting one. Where is the bot- 
tle, my dear, may I inquire? 

Flossy, (absorbed in snuffing her candle with her 
fingers). What bottle? When we go back, let's play 
that we are a procession. 

Mr. N. (zvith some sternness) . The camphor bottle. 

Flossy. It broke when I fell down. Ouch, I burned 
my finger ! 

Mr. N. I do not smell it. 

Flossy, (roguishly). Smell the bottle? 

Mr. N. I do not smell the camphor. 

Flossy, (with tremendous sniffs). You don't? Oh, 
I do, awfully strong! You must have a cold. There, 
I got a whiff of it just then ! Are you going to feed the 
animals? Let me go, won't you? It'll be such fun! 

Mr. N. Hark! I guess it is nothing. No, I was — 
er — restless, and I thought a little walk would make me 
sleepy. You had better get down now, my dear. This 
is a most improper position for you. May I assist you? 

Flossy, (standing up, and gathering her draperies 
closely around her). We can march just like a church 
procession, — candles and everything. I just love pro- 
cessions. Listen ! 

Mr. N. (starting violently) . What? Where? 

Flossy. There's somebody coming, I think, Father. 
Listen ! 

(Enter Shem, in light marching orders, carrying a 

stubby candle, and Mrs. Noah, in a big-floivered 

kimona, leaning on his arm.) 

Shem. (stopping short) . Oh, there you are ! (In 
sheer astonishment, Flossy sinks to her seat on the box, 
with a shuddery little "Oh I") 

Mrs. N. I was worried about you, Papa, and I woke 
Shem up, and we came to find you. I thought maybe 
you had found a leak. What's Flossy doing up there? 
You are all so strange that I am pretty nearly crazy. 
(throwing herself into his arms). Oh, Papa, what is it? 

40 



What is it? Why do you get up at night to feed the 
animals? And act as if you did n't see anybody when 
you looked at them? And Japheth looks scared all the 
time, as if he smelled fire. And Ham is so solemn and 
snappy ! What is it, — oh, what is it ? If there is a leak, 
tell me ! I can bear it. We can but go down. What 
is this terrible secret? Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! 

Mr. N. (soothing her). Mamma, you must restrain 
yourself. You will be ill. It is nothing, — a slight er — 
indisposition. There, be seated. (She is, with many 
sighs.) 

Shem. (who has been staring at his wife). Well, 
and what are you doing up there, Missis ! You make me 
tired. 

Mr. N. (zvheeling suddenly). How is your tooth- 
ache, Shem? 

Mrs. N. (looking out of her handkerchief). I did 
n't know you had the toothache, Shem. Why did n't 
you tell me? Nobody tells me anything. I might as 
well have stayed at home ! 

Shem. I have n't a toothache. Never said I had. ( To 
his zvife, curtly). Here, give me that candle, and get 
down from there. Do try to act like a sensible woman 
for once. I should think you would be afraid. 

Flossy, (meekly, rising). I am — dreadfully afraid. 

Shem. Then go to bed like a rational being. (There 
is a sound of scuffling somewhere.) Listen ! 

Mrs. N. Everybody says "Listen !" all the time. My 
ears are standing straight up. ( The scuffling continues, 
to everybody's intense interest.) 

Flossy, (peering into the darkness). Maybe it's 
Japheth. 

Shem. What would Japheth be doing up at this hour 
of the night? 

Mr. N. Listen! Stop your clatter! 

The Voice, (from without). Come on! You've got to! 

Second Voice, (from without). I don't want ter! I 
don't want ter! (Flossy gives one deep gasp, and sinks 

41 



on the box as if shot. Mr. Noah is riveted, his eyes 
a- pop.) 

The Voice. Come on, I say. You've got to ! Come 
along ! 

Shem. In Adam's Name, what have we here? 

{Enter Japheth, fully dressed, bat rather the zvorse 
for wear, yanking John Smith along, bumping into 
things regardless. They finally struggle into the arc of 
light formed by the candles of the astonished group 
around Flossy.) 

Flossy, {leaning eagerly fonvard). It is n't a little 
nigger boy, after all ! 

Mr. N. {in an indescribable voice) . JOHN SMITH ! 

Mrs. N. {termulonsly). Johnnie Smith, you are a 
naughty, naughty boy ! You stole those meat scraps I 
{John Smith continues to cry and struggle.) 

Shem. So this is where we are at ! 

John S. Lemme go ! Lemme go ! 

Japh. {holding him firmly by the collar.) No, sir, 
you won't go ! I got you this time ! 

Mr. N. John Smith, when did you get aboard this 
Boat? 

Mrs. N. {wiping her eyes). Oh Papa, don't be cross 
with him, poor little fellow ! Look at his clothes ! {She 
falls to weeping unrestrainedly.) 

Mr. N. {unmoved). How long have you been aboard 
this Boat? Tell the truth. 

Shem. {laying his hand on his Father's arm). Why, 
Father, he's been here as long as we have. You know 
he could n't get aboard after we started. 

Mr. N. {staring hard at Shem). Certainly. That 
stands to reason. Who said he could ? Don't be silly. 
{To John Smith.) How did you get on? That's all I 
want to know. 

John S. {sobbing into his dirty sleeve). I want 
Ham ! Where is Ham ? I want ter see Ham ! 

42 



Mrs. N. Somebody go get Hammie. The poor lit- 
tle fellow ! Look at his clothes ! 

Shem. The poor little rat! I'll go get Ham. (He 
goes out, ivith his candle.) 

Flossy, (moping her eyes). Let go of him, Japheth. 
He won't run away, will yon, Johnnie Smith? (Japheth 
unhands him.) 

John S. (sniffling and rubbing his arm). No, Ma'am. 

Mrs. N. (rising and going to the boy). How is your 
Mamma, dear? 

John S. (politely). I dunno. I aint seed her sence — 
sence we started. She's — I guess she's — she's — (He 
turns timidly to Mr. Noah.) Is everybody dead out 
there, Mr. Noah? 

Mr. N. (solemnly). Yes, my boy, I'm afraid so. 
I'm afraid so. 

John S. (after a wide-eyed silence, blubbering right 
out) . I — I want my mother ! I want my mother ! 

Flossy, (scrambling off the high box, her hair all 
tumbling around her shoulders, and running to him). 
Don't cry, dear ! Don't cry ! We'll take care of you ! 

Mrs. N. (kneeling by lus side). You poor little boy! 
You poor little boy ! Don't cry, Johnnie Smith ! 

Flossy, (petting him). I'll show you the lions, and 
the baby elephant. Do you like elephants? 

John S. (half sobbing, but not immune to elephants). 
I've seed all the e — elephants. I seed the b — b — baby 
b — before ahy of yer did. 

(Enter, on the run, Ham, hastily dressed, and Sh£m, 
with a candle.) 

Ham. Hello, Shiner ! I'm glad to see you. Excuse 
my informal appearance. What are these — not tears? 

John S. (grinning a little). Hello, Ham! 

Ham. (grasping his hand, as man to man). Wel- 
come to our ancestral halls ! "There shall be showers of 
blessings !" 

43 



Flossy, (dusting John Smith's clothes). Are n't 
you hungry, dear? 

John S. (recovering his aplomb). Yessir, you bet I 
am. I aint had 'nuff ter eat sence we started — not all 
at one time. I'm as hongery as yer make 'em. (Flossy- 
looks at Mrs. Noah, nods, takes up her candle, and goes- 
out. Japheth leans against a barrel, gloomily observant.) 

Shew,, (gazing at the boy). Where have you been 
all the time, John Smith? 

Mr. N. Be quiet, Shem. It does not matter zuhere he 
has been. First, let him tell us how he dared — (Shem 
turns to Japheth, and discusses The Find zvith him, in- 
animated pantomime, on the side.) 

Ham. (turning to his father). Now Pop, what's the 
use? He's here, and by George, he's a brick. — Have you 
been sea-sick, Shiner? 

John S. (zvith a szvagger). Naw, not a bit. The ole 
Tub's too stiddy fur that. An' I wuz too busy. You're 
got a good many animals, aint yer? 

Ham (imitating the szvagger delicately). Yes, the 
Main Show in the big tent is not without interest. I 
shall be pleased to show you the principal features of the 
exhibit. 

"And next we come to the white Polar Bear, 
Oft called 'The Ice- Burg's Daughter;' 
Been known to drink ten kegs of beer, 
Then call for soda water." 

John S. (giggling joyously). Yessir, it's jes' like a 
circus fer all the worl' ! We've got everything but a 
callyhope ! You could make a callyhope, if yer 
wanted to. 

Ham. A "callyhope" is purely for processional pur- 
poses, Shiner, and the dimensions of the street parade 
were not considered when Father built this Ark. 

Mr. N. (seating himself zvearily). Ham, stop your 
nonsense. — John Smith, how did you get aboard this 
Boat? That's all I want to know, and I want to know 
that right now. 

44 



Ham. (putting his arm around the outcast). Tell us 
about it, Shiner. We are naturally curious. Come on, 
tell us about it, old pard. 

Japh. (turning from Shcm a minute). Go on, tell 
'em, J. Smith. Nobody'll hurt you. 

John S. (facing Mr. Noah). Ham, he — he carried 
me in, Mr. Noah. 

Mr. X. {with a heart-felt groan). Hamilton, my 
son, my son! Can it be possible? 

Ham. (genially). Well, Shiner, that's a rum one. 
What brand do you use? Think what you're saying. — 
Now, Pop, don't get excited. The game is young. Let 
him start over. 

Mrs. X . You should never tell a lie, Johnnie Smith. 
It is a wicked, wicked thing to do. Where do you expect 
to go if you tell lies? 

Japh. {turning from Shem). Give the boy a chance, 
you people. Go on, John Smith. Tell 'em straight. (He 
resumes his pantomime recital to Shem.) 

John S. {steadfastly addressing Mr. Noah). Yessir 
Ham did, but he never knowed it. I dumb in that there 
trunk that was a-settin' on the bridge — 

Mr. A'. What bridge? You talk like a crazy boy. 
Hani. The gangway, he means. — Go on, Shiner. The 
plot thickens. 

John S. Mrs. Noah she wuz goin' ter put the bed- 
spreads in, and Ham he called her ter cum jes' then, 
an' — 

Mrs. X. {patting John Smith on the head, — she is 
standing by 'his side as lie talks). Oh, yes, Papa, you 
remember. — Hammie, you remember. The girls left it 
there, — that old trunk I had when I was married. I was 
. bound I would save that trunk, no matter what else I 
had to leave behind. Just as I was putting the things 
• in, Ham called to me about the pantry shelves. You 
know Japheth had put them on the right side of the 
pantry, and I wanted them on the left. The best way to 
arrange pantry shelves — - 

45 



Mr. N. The trunk that had the palm-leaf fan in it? 

John S. (eagerly). Yessir, that wuz the very trunk! 
I clumb in an' shet the lid, an' Ham he drug it up the 
bridge. (To Ham.) You wuz whistlin' and you bumped 
me 'round somepin turribul ! 

Ham. It was a strenuous time, Shiner. You were 
lucky to get aboard at all. There were some very fine 
people that did n't get passage, you may remember. 

Jdhn S. (ivagging his head earnestly) . I know there 
wuz. Lots of the fellers wanted ter come — wanted to 
like mad, but they wuz afraid. Why, one night Bob 
Rogers he stumped Skinny Martin to sneak in, and 
Skinny he clumb up the side, an' when he wuz tryin' 
the winder — ■ 

Ham. Old man Martin's boy, — that rapscallion with 
the wart over his eye? 

John S. (with an expansive grin). Taint no wart; 
that's a piece of percushion cap that 'ploded when Skin- 
ney wuz a-fillin' cartridges onct. 

Ham. Oh, come off ! What you giving' us ! 

John S. (expanding under this goodfellowship). 
I'm givin' yer straight goods. I guess I ought to know. 
I wuz right by Skinney when he done it. Me and Skin- 
ney stole his father's gun, an' we wuz goin' huntin' fur 
snipe, an' — 

(Enter, in haste, Matilda and Jennie, in hasty toilets, 

the former with her hair in bine curl papers, and 

carrying a candle without any stick.) 

Jennie, (breathlessly). What is it? Oh, so you've 
iound him? (Mr. Noah squares himself to stare at her.) 

Matilda. Well, I'll declare, it's Johnnie Smith ! Of all 
things! (contemplates him curiously). For pity's sake! 
Who found him? 

Ham. Your husband. He's been on private detective 
duty for a week, it seems. — Japh, come forward and re- 
ceive the honors. 

Japh. (yawning). Honors nothin'. Put out the 

46 



lights in the ticket office. Me for the bed. Give me a 
candle, somebody. (He starts out.) 

Ham. Hold on there! What shall we do with this 
kid? He's your discovery. 

Japh. Give him a Turkish bath. I'll make my depo- 
sition tomorrow. (Goes.) 

Matilda, (contemplating John Smith). Yes, he'd 
better be washed. (She and Jennie consult apart.) 

Ham. The sooner the quicker, I should say, con- 
templating his unboraxed condition. — Which would you 
rather do first, John Smith, wash or eat? 

John S. Eat. I kin wash any time. 

Ham. Spoken like a philosopher. You girls go get 
some water. If he has to wash first, he must wash 
quick. (Matilda goes in haste.) 

Mr. N. {who has scarcely taken his scared gaze off 
the box's face). This is terrible, terrible. It is a most 
awful thing to have happen. (He buries his face in his 
hands.) 

John S. (going timidly up to Mr. Noah). Do you 
mean me, Mr. Noah? 

Ham. No, he means the animals and the leaks and 
the fires. It's a complication of the terrible.— Come on, 
Pop, jolly up. What's the use? It all comes in a life 
time. Play the game. — John Smith, alias "Shiner," 
you're a pippin. I see it now ; what we needed all along 
was a small boy. The idea of running a boat without 
a small boy ! It's ridiculous. 

John S. (unheeding, and looking at Mr. Noah wist- 
fully) . I wisht I had n't come. I wisht I had n't come.. 
He "don't want me He don't want me. 

Jennie, (bending over. him). Yes he does, dear, he 
does. Of course he does, but he's tired and worried 
about things. 

Ham. (looking thoughtfully at his fathers bowed 
head). We not only want you, Shiner; we need you. 
The Professor here (indicating the meditative Shem, 
leaning silent against a distant barrel) is not a practical 

47 



animal man. His astronomical observations are not with- 
out current interest, even a scientific interest in their 
broader aspects, but his knowledge of zoology is — well, 
on the bum. You can help me rearrange the leopard's 
spots tomorrow, and curry the zebras. 

John S. (furtively getting hold of Ham's hand, but 
glancing sadly at Mr. Noah). I kin hep you lots. I 
know a heap about animals. An' I kin 'tend to the 
circus part. They ought alius to have a boy with a cir- 
cus, to sew on the spangles and run errants. Don't you 
think? (wistfully). 

Ham. Sure thing. Now you're shoutin'. You are 
hereby officially elected to membership in the Association 
for the Renovation of Human Society, and installed At- 
tendant in Ordinary to the only Exhibition of Ante- 
Deluvian Monsters now before the Public, (strikes an 
attitude). Right this way, ladies and gentlemen, right 
this way! An Opportunity Unparalleled in the History 
of the Animal Kingdom. A chaste and elegant enter- 
tainment for the Young, but the Old may attend with 
Profit. Bring the little ones, the baby ones, the darling 
ones ! All for fifty cents, only fifty cents, the infintesimal 
sum of fifty cents ! 

John S. (gazing at Ham admiringly). Let's you 
and me have a reel circus! You kin be ringmaster the 
first day. I'll let yer. 

Ham. (who is enjoying himself immensely). Thank 
you, Shiner. That's very handsome of you, considering 
your own ambitions. I'll see to the billboards personally. 
"Sensational 100-foot High Slide for Life, by Made- 
moiselle Correa, Acknowledged to be the Queen of Mid- 
Air, and recognized by Press and Pulpit everywhere as 
the Brunette Beauty of the Circus World." How does 
that sound? 

Mr. N. (in an awful voice). Hamilton! Let us 
have no more of this. 

Jennie, (hastily). I think he ought to be washed, 
don't you, Mamma? 

Mrs. N. (taking up a candle). Yes, I think he 

48 



ought. Come, Johnnie Smith, Let's go and get your 
face washed. 

John S. {meekly, eying Mrs. Noah). Yessuni. 

Jennie, (taking his unengaged hand). And you shall 
have a beautiful white bed, with lace on the pillow-slips. 
Won't that be nice? 

John S. Yessum. 

Mrs. N. (moving aivay with much majesty). And 
you'll never be a homesick, lonesome little boy any more. 

John S. (suppressing a sob). Yessum. (The three 
disappear into the environing darkness.) 

Ham. (looking after them sadly). He'll be all right 
after he has visited the Commissary Department. 

Shem. (rousing himself). It will take a month to 
get him bleached out. 

Mr. N. (looking into the darkness whence they dis- 
appeared). This is a terrible thing. 

Shem. (fitting a candle into the empty stick he takes 
from his pocket). Oh, I don't know. The boy can't do 
much damage. 

Mr. N. (ivith a volcanic sigh). Oh, I don't mind 
saving the poor little rat, but, my son, we were under 
contract to carry no passengers. 

Ham. (with a slight yazvn). Yes, the Contract's 
broken all to smash. 

Mr. N. (helplessly, looking from the one to the 
other). I don't know what to do. I don't know what 
to do. 

Shem. (piling up boxes with cheerful clatter). It 
might be well to cut a few roadways through this con- 
fusion. It's getting too thick for comfort. He is n't a 
passenger. He's a dead-head, like the animals. 

Ham. (with an unembarrassed yazvn). Yes, label 
him "Newly-Discovered Specimen of an Unknown Spe- 
cies," and let it go at that. 

Mr. N. (rising like a wooden man). It is a most 
terrible thing to have happen to us. I don't know what 
to do. 

49 



Ham. (yawning). Don't do anything definite until 
he's washed. Then we can determine his color. That 
may help some. Anyway, he'll give the women some- 
thing to cry over. That cry they had did them lots of 
good. And we have preserved a Smith. We really 
ought to have a Smith, if we are to save one of every 
kind. How could Society be perpetuated without the 
Smiths? 

Shem. (turning from the boxes, with a yawn). A 
manifest impossibility. We have completed History by 
this night's work. 

Ham. (with a prodigious yawn). No, only added a 
P. S. No man completes History, not even the Progeni- 
tor of all the Smiths. Oh, let's go to bed. "For, by 
my fay, I can not reason !" Give me a light, Professor. 
(He lights his candle at Shem's, yawning largely as he 
does so.) 

Shem. (almost engulfed in his oivn yazvns). Let's. 
I have n't had a wink of sleep for a week. 

Mr. N. (lifting his candle from the barrel with a 
melancholy air). Yes, we have preserved a Smith — if 
it were worth while. (They file out, one by one, solemn- 
ly, each carrying his candle. Then, "darkness again and 
a silence/' a silence intensified by a grozvl or two from 
the Main Shoiv on the side lines. Then, a very slozv 
curtain.) 



50 



Other Books by thje Same fJutrjor 



THE NOAHS AFLOAT An Historical Romance. 

Cloth, 12mo; net, $1.50; postage, 10 cents. 

"A delicious burlesque, irreverent but irresistibly funny." 

—The Bookseller. 

-THE HEART AND THE CROWN A Volume of Son- 
nets. Full leather; printed in two colors; postpaid, $1.25. 

"The work is of fine quality, with much that is beautiful and ef- 
fective."— The Graduate Magazine. 

TUMBLEWEED A Book of Vagrant Verse. 

Cloth, 1 6mo; net, $ 1 .00; postage, 8 cents. 

"This beautiful poetry has the scent of the prairie grass, the rhythm 
of the rolling plains."— The Eagle. 

THE OPEN ROAD A Book of Outcast Verse. 

Cloth, 1 6mo; net, $1.25; postage, 8 cents. 

"A book of verse which rises clean out of the realm of the ordin- 
ary." — The Wichita Beacon. 



The above books can be ordered through bookstores, or of the 
author, H. Rea Woodman, Poughkeepsie, New York. 



SEi J 21 1911 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 




2? idij 




SU' 




